To get you through this testing Christmas period, I’m sharing some semi-digested grumblings.
They are perfect to read aloud at the festive table or, if you’re avoiding Christmas like me, you can read them alone in a dark room. Sit back in front of a warm fire, grab some mulled wine and growl.
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I wholeheartedly support Scotland’s carrier bag levy. I now carry a tattered and worn-out bag-for-life wherever I go, not because I’m mean but because I’m green.
But why do some of the more upmarket shops give such dodgy looks when I place it on their counters? Honestly, I’m not just doing it to save 5p.
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Gayfield Square’s Christmas tree leaves a lot to be desired. Wish I could have been there for its unveiling.
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Royal Mail continues to frustrate and amaze in equal measure.
When I moved house I set up a redirection with them to capture any mail sent to the old address. When it ran out, Royal Mail wrote to me to let me know. The letter arrived one month late after being delivered to the wrong address. They had confused Street with Place. If I wanted to renew the redirection, I had already missed the deadline.
Thanks, Royal Mail: you can’t even deliver your own letters to the correct address ... what hope is there for our own post?
Doors in Broughton, Part 1: St Mary’s Cathedral has gone to some effort to tell people not to use their front door. Wouldn’t they be better just to cover it up? Why is this front door no longer a front door?
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If you end up stuffing yourself silly with stuffing and chocolate this Christmas and then want to get fit, why not join Broughton’s very own rugby club: Broughton RFC? They play their home games right in the heart of Spurtleshire in Granton. Granton? Someone’s in need of a map for their Christmas present.
Is this the new Banksy? It’s graffiti that is daring, creative and ironic. It’s saying: Instead of your dog fouling here we will graffiti instead; it looks and smells a lot better. It certainly had a lasting effect on me, but most dog walkers in this city seem to ignore it. I’ll be keeping my eye out for more of this dynamic and ambitious art.
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Last year for Christmas I got a pair of oversized gloves and a holey umbrella. This year I’m holding out for something a lot better. How about an egg cosy? Really, who struggles with their eggs getting cold? Can you think of a more pointless gift than an egg cosy? Let me know.
Has Santa Claus shrunk? This Santa outside the Carpet and Flooring Warehouse looks as though he has. It reflects the times we live in when even Santa can’t be portrayed as slightly on the large side. If you stand and stare at him for long enough he’ll start to jiggle, which probably explains the weight loss.
After assuring the Little Left-Handed Tea Drinker that this was Edinburgh’s premium Christmas attraction, a weak smile was raised ... once. We’ve now had to remortgage the pram to cover trips to the Edinburgh Christmas attractions.
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How can I teach the Little Left-Handed Tea Drinker to respect books when the librarian doesn’t?
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Doors in Broughton, Part 2: One day I’ll write a coffee table about all the odd-looking doors in Broughton. Until then, here’s a door for hobbits on Gayfield Square and a door for slanted people on Barony Place.
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Looking to rent an apartment in the New Town? Why not try New Town Apartments, located on Broughton Road? Another person needing a map for their Christmas present.
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Look out for the Left-Handed Tea Drinker charity auction in the New Year. I’ll be flogging off a pair of oversized gloves, a holey umbrella, left-handed tea cups, left-handed teapots, left-handed tea cosies and left-handed chopsticks, as well as ‘I’m with grumpy’ t-shirts and other official LHTD merchandise. All profits will go to towards childcare and electricity bills.
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I’m saving on Christmas cards this year and using the Spurtle to spread my good cheer and best wishes. The Left-Handed Tea Drinker family would like to wish you all a grumpy Christmas and a mediocre New Year.
If you’ve made it this far, why not share your musings, grumblings, thoughts and complaints with me via twitter at @TheLHTD or via e-mail.
[Egg cosy image courtesy of www.creativejewishmom.com]