These were the inclement conditions in Holyrood Park this afternoon, where Spurtle's Chief Athletics Correspondent unexpectedly found himself competing in some charity fun-run or other over eight gruelling kilometres.
Spurtle's representative, let us just call him Mr Fit, looked supremely confident at the outset and quickly established a commanding lead.
He was even able to take a few photographs over his right shoulder (see below).
Little by little, though, the pack reeled him back in. They were led by a young athlete who took full advantage of his grey beanie's aerodynamic qualities to cleave the mist and glaur with astonishing ease.
One member of the public remonstrated at the unfairness of this tactic.
Mr Fit clung on gallantly, and as the finish line hoved into sight, he put on a final spurt for the honour of Broughton.
He was literally within inches of the tape when something catastrophic occurred. Was it a bolt of lightning? Was it some opponent's errant elbow deliberately targeted at our correspondent's sole remaining plexus?
Mr Fit gallantly refuses to speculate.
All he will say is that it was 'a rum-do', and that suddenly everything was a horrible blur ...
... mud, spikes, knees, snotters and thundering lunchboxes all squelching and slapping about in all directions as far as the eyes could see.
Mr Fit gratefully lost consciousness at this point, but has lived to tell the tale.
He, however, was not the only one to suffer disappointment. The mystery-man in the grey beanie was narrowly beaten into second place.