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EDINBURGH THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS

Submitted by Editor on

One Spurtle reviewer and around 10 other punters embarked on the Alternative Edinburgh Walking Tour yesterday afternoon under the brisk and self-assured guidance of Chutney Productions’ Andrew Blair.

Our last attempt at the tour had not begun well, but this Sunday, at the stroke of 3.30pm, Blair commenced outside the Omni Centre on Greenside with his first unexpected and interesting observation of the afternoon: that this is the site of a primaeval tar pit from whose remains two giraffe skeletons were recovered when foundations for the current structure were sunk at the turn of the century.

Blair is an apparently bottomless fund of such abstruse facts, few of which you would hear on any other tour of the city. His delivery is for the most part authoritative, and his interests favour obscure tragedy, historical anecdotage and unusual acts of violence. The tone veers occasionally towards lugubrious irritability when he spots Council overspending, poor grammar or bad spelling. The example shown here, he grumbles, tells you everything you need to know about ‘broken Britain’.

From Greenside we proceeded along St Ninian’s Row (properly pronounced row) past the two least haunted bars in Europe and a film location where Ewan McGregor’s eight predecessors in the role of Renton were injured during filming of Trainspotting.

We learned in an aside that the real Greyfriars Bobby’s body is encased within the statue of him on George IV Bridge, and that the building shown below, recently converted to flats, was once unrivalled in the manufacture and export of bees.

Questions from the audience were actively encouraged throughout, a prize being offered at the end for the best one. North American visitors asked by far the most. Hardly surprising since many of them had a skewed understanding of the past and had not even heard of Bridge T. Jones, the Edinburgh inventor of bridges whose pioneering creation carries the railway out from Waverley and whose name is now indelibly associated with such structures around the world.

Stopping only briefly to admire the second smallest mountain in Europe, Abbeyhill, currently obscured by grass, and the happiest lion in Edinburgh, guarding the entrance to a collection of paintings by the Queen, we considered next the wonder which is the Scottish Parliament building and its extraordinary north elevation constructed entirely from toughened sugar.

From here it was but a brief step to Sean Connery’s secret tunnel, then to the site of Edinburgh’s little remembered 14th-century mirror castle, then to the depths of Dumbiedykes where one can still find evidence of the enormous Dumbiedykes Stilt Dogs – notorious for stealing apple pies as they cool on first-floor window sills.

The Alternative Tour climaxed after an hour and 20 minutes at glamorous Gibb’s Entry, where Blair tactfully pointed out that whilst the tour was free, a normal-sized voluntary contribution would still leave audience members with plenty of change to enjoy an outdoor pee in the park opposite.

Prize for the best question – a ruff made from extraneous flyers – was awarded to the only participant who enquired about who had asked the best question. Fair do's to him, but, frankly – nobody loves a johnny-come-lately smart-arse.

The Alternative Edinburgh Walking Tour will resume next Saturday and Sunday (30–31 August) from outside the Omni Centre at 3.30pm. Entertaining, exercising, eccentrically educational – we recommend it.

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@theSpurtle So *that's* why the giraffes are there! Oooh!

 Obsolesence ‏@Obsolesence  5h

@theSpurtle Oh my word so many gems, ta for writing that up. I love the alt walking tours in other cities, about time we had s/thing decent

 Obsolesence ‏@Obsolesence  5h

@theSpurtle I do hope there were polar bears under Murrayfield ice rink?