GOD ROT YOUR BROLLIES, GENTLEMEN

It’s Christmas. 

I detest Christmas. I detest Christmas cards, Christmas jumpers, Christmas trees, Christmas presents, Christmas songs, Christmas cake … 

If you’re thinking about buying me a Christmas present this year then don’t bother. 

Last year, a relative – who obviously doesn’t know me very well – bought me an umbrella. That’s right, an UMBRELLA. It was a man’s umbrella and it had a fancy Italian name that made it sound more expensive than it actually was. It was just what I had always wanted.    

Do you know what I detest more than Christmas? Umbrellas.

This umbrella wasn’t a normal umbrella. It had a hole in it. It was faulty before I had even opened it, so I couldn’t recycle it and give it to a charity shop or to someone else for their birthday. I couldn’t use it. Before they invented the chocolate teapot, they invented the holey umbrella. 

I’ve thought for a while that if you’re going to own an umbrella then you should be made to take a test or at least have insurance. I detest umbrellas. I detest umbrella hats, golf umbrellas, umbrella users who block doorways whilst trying to put their umbrellas up, see-through umbrellas, umbrella users who are short and hold the umbrella at eye level. I’ve often deliberately shoved my head into an umbrella just to make a point, and then I’ve threatened to sue them unless they put it away and let their hair get wet. 

After one particularly wet autumn day I ducked into a coffee shop for some cover. Plenty of people had had the same idea and there was only one seat free.  However, someone had used that seat to rest their umbrella, and it was soaking. They couldn’t possibly put their precious parapluie on the dirty floor, could they? Of course not.

December has only just started and I’m a quivering wreck. Partly because there was a torrential downpour and I’m soaked right through, and partly because I DETEST Christmas. 

Season’s greetings.

[Umbrella image: Creative Commons from IconsDB.com]

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Among other Jesus birthday things @theSpurtle hates are Xmas songs: http://broughtonspurtle.org.uk/news/god-rot-your-brollies-gentlemen … but I reckon he'd like http://youtube.com/watch?v=gsZu3A7hlm0 …

 The LHTD ‏@TheLHTD  

@theSpurtle @ante_social Very good but Christmas is cancelled, didn't you get the memo? We'll have no more mention of the dam thing.

@TheLHTD @theSpurtle It's unclear to me whether your aversion to umbrellas is a priori or a posteriori, but I do need to know which it is.

@NewTownFlaneur @theSpurtle I refuse to discuss the matter further.

@TheLHTD Changing the subject: How do you feel about parasols, since when, and why? (@NewTownFlaneur Subtle or what?)

@theSpurtle @NewTownFlaneur a parosol? I'm disappointed in that line of questioning. Here's an exclusive for you, I am a fan of the poncho.