I’m standing on the traffic island at Mansfield Place having just crossed the first half of the road. But I can go no further. My fellow castaway is in the same position.
Why? Because we are both refusing to push the button to enable us to cross.
Not because we’re idiots who like to stand on the edge of the road waiting for someone to do it for us, but because we’re the exact opposite.
Here’s what happened.
I had a job interview to get to. It was the perfect job; it required no experience which meant I was the ideal candidate. Dressed in my best outfit (actually, my only suit, worn for weddings, funerals, christenings, and any other suitable occasion), I set off early to walk there.
I often judge how my day will go by how well I react to the green man appearing. It’s like being at the starting blocks for the Olympic 100m final. If I make a stalled or faltering start when the gun goes, then my day will not be very pleasant. If my start is impeccable and I react better than my fellow pedestrians, then all bodes well. It may even be that day’s greatest achievement. Sad but true.
I was slightly confused. I decided to make a point of principle.
‘I’ve already pushed it,’ I said.
She looked surprised at being spoken to. She obviously thought I couldn’t speak besides being unable to push the button.
‘Do I not look capable of doing it?’ I asked.
She looked me up and down. ‘Very capable,’ she said in a sarcastic tone.
‘Well you should know that I’m one of the few people that does push the button,’ I said.
’Most people don’t, though,’ she replied. ‘I like to make sure.’
‘You need to have a little faith; I’m one of the good guys.’
‘F
‘How would you feel if I did that to you?’ I asked.
‘I wouldn’t care,’ she replied.
‘Well, I care,’ I said.
‘Good for you,’ she said.
‘We’re supposed to be on the same team,’ I said. ‘We both believe in pushing the button, but you insist on taking it one step further and undermining those on your own team.’
‘What are you talking about?’ she asked. ‘There aren't any teams. And you’re standing way over there … how am I to know you’ve pushed the button?’
‘Can’t you see it’s all lit up? That means it’s already been done.’
Out of nowhere, the woman tried to perform a diagonal overtaking manoeuvre. What was she thinking?
I sped up and forced her to diagonally undertake, a lesser move reserved for inexperienced road crossers. We both reached the traffic island at the same time and were faced with a dilemma.
‘I obviously can’t be trusted to push the button, so you do it,’ I said.
‘No, not after the way you went on about it last time. I refuse,’ she said.
Neither of us moved.
‘Why did you try and cut me off when we were crossing?’ she asked.
‘You tried to diagonally overtake me,’ I replied angrily. ‘What sort of person does that? You need to learn the rules of crossing the road.’
‘No,’ I said. ‘So, we’ll have to wait then.’
‘Yes, we will. Don’t worry, I’ve got all the time in the world,’ she said. ‘However, you look like you need to be somewhere. Court, I presume?’
I ignored her taunts. I did have somewhere to be but what was I to do? Give in to this intolerable woman or stand my ground and be late for the interview?
We stood in the middle of the road, waiting. A stubborn stalemate.
To be continued …
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@theSpurtle @TheLHTD If you're still there I may bring you a cuppa later. #Solidarność
@shave_in_edin @theSpurtle Milk, no sugar for me & hot Bovril for my companion. The way things are going I may need to live tweet the finale
New Town Flâneur @NewTownFlaneur
@theSpurtle @TheLHTD The only pedestrian worse than a Diagonal Overtaking Manoeuvrer (DOM) is a DOM wearing red trousers (DOMR). DOM & DOMR.
Broughton Spurtle @theSpurtle
@NewTownFlaneur @TheLHTD Think you'll find an undertaker wearing no trousers is worse, especially in windy weather.
@theSpurtle @TheLHTD made me chortle. My twice daily use of that crossing has resulted in many DOMs. If you're not fast, you're last.