Some months ago, a Specsavers brochure came through the letterbox. Nothing unusual, really (junk mail outweighs genuine mail these days), but there was something odd about this particular item.
It seemed to have an artist’s impression of me on the front cover.
Disturbed but equally intrigued, I decided I should pay Specsavers a visit to see why they are using my face to sell glasses.
It turns out there isn’t a Specsavers in Broughton, but a glasses-related incident following the arrival of the brochure prompted me to get my eyes checked.
The incident in question involved a group of ogres at a bus stop. ‘Oi, specky!’ shouted one of them.
The ogres helpfully reminded me that I should get my eyes tested, partly because the ogres were actually a gang of teenagers and the bus stop was an underground parking lot.
When getting my eyes tested, I always feel like I am in an actual test. When I’m asked, ‘Better, worse or about the same,’ I always suspect that they haven’t actually changed the lens and are trying to catch me out. I often respond with a question: ‘Worse?’ This probably explains why I couldn’t see anything out of the glasses I’d got.
I found an optician in Broughton and went ahead and got my eyes tested. After the test I was asked if I would like to choose some new frames. Usually I decline and say that I’ll be back shortly armed with Mrs Left-Handed Tea Drinker to get her spectacle approval, but that day I decided to choose for myself.
I picked the frames positioned between the lower-price tat and the wallet-busting ‘designer’ ones. I tried one pair on but with the sales assistant pressuring me towards the wallet busters I quickly said ‘These will do.’
The assistant looked a little puzzled. ‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘Those frames are for women.’
I didn’t want to prove my stupidity and poor eyesight at the same time, so I replied, ‘I’m well aware of that.’ To be honest with you, I couldn’t see a thing and I thought I would be able to get out of it somehow or return them at a later date. I now know you can’t return glasses.
‘2 for 1?’ I asked. ‘I don’t need two pairs of sunglasses. Can’t I just buy one pair?’
‘You can,’ she said, but it’s the same price as buying two pairs.’
When I went to pay for my women’s glasses and two pairs of sunglasses, the gentleman at the till remarked, ‘Two pairs of sunglasses? You’re very optimistic.’
Annoyed, I replied, ‘No, I’m a pessimist, but you’ve got a 2 for 1 offer so what do you advise me to do? You can’t put on an offer and then be surprised when someone takes advantage of it.’
A couple of weeks later I collected my new glasses and sunglasses. It was confirmed that my choice of spectacles wasn’t the right one when I showed them to Mrs LHTD, who screamed with shock and then went into a fit of hysterics. Luckily I have two pairs of sunglasses, which I wear daily regardless of the weather or time of day.
There on the front cover was a picture of me wearing the women’s glasses that I’d purchased.
Well, maybe it wasn’t quite me, but Twiggy was certainly wearing my glasses.
After all of that, I should’ve gone to Specsavers when I had the chance.
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[Image immediately above: cropped from self-portrait by Paul Stevenson, Creative Commons.]