Part of Tesco Broughton Road’s over-the-counter pharmacy range has become an interesting exercise in physical self-improvement and intimate aspiration.
In the last week or so, the display’s arrangement has been refreshed to include, at the bottom, a range of slimming aids and healthy-eating options.
Moving up a level, we find electrolyte-rich hydration multipliers (today’s alternative to a nice glass of water) alongside micronized creatin (for those whose Adrenosine Triphosphate has sagged) and whey powder (for anyone hoping to increase muscle size and strength).
Upward again, we encounter packets of brightly coloured, interlinkable plastic rings which serve no obvious purpose.
Then there are two shelves of Grenade carb killa high-protein energy bars to put a spring in your step as you stretch for the next level up.
Here it becomes rather exciting, with various kinds of condom, each promising slightly different combinations of size, sensitivity, safety, stimulation, slipperiness and speed control.
You might think such sexual heights would conclude the display, but no. Instead we finish with the slight anti-climax of products designed to relieve strained or irritated eyes and perhaps improve self-esteem through no-nonsense tortoiseshell magnifying lenses.
Spurtle has consulted widely on this display and what to make of it. Our respondents suggest that it is clearly intended to appeal to men, offering them step-by-step purchases which will eventually improve their chances under the duvet and shorten the odds on making a full recovery afterwards.
Transforming oneself into a Tesco Don Juan comes at a price. By our reckoning, buying the cheapest item on each shelf would set you back a total of £30.10. Big spenders choosing the most expensive items would shell out £105.20.
Unfortunately, none of these items guarantees to improve the qualities of charm and consideration necessary for a truly successful love life.
By some happy accident, a 'Baby and Toddler Event' is signposted a few feet away at the end of the aisle.
Got a view? Tell us at spurtle@hotmail.co.uk
